


Confessions

by Kieranicorn



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Asexual Meeks and Pitts, Demisexual Demiromantic Cameron, Insomniac Pitts, It is not a cute one shot, M/M, Maladaptive Daydreamer Knox, This was supposed to be a cute one shot, Trans Characters, Undiagnosed Learning Disability Pitts, tw for self harm, tw for suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:46:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29700063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kieranicorn/pseuds/Kieranicorn
Summary: Originally this was supposed to be a cute one shot and it spiraled out of control and took some darker turns.It will focus more on Pitts and Meeks than anyone else, but the others will have their own moments in the spotlight.It is set in "modern" times.IF YOU NOTICE SOMETHING YOU FEEL IS MISREPRESENTED OR PROMOTING STIGMA PLEASE LET ME KNOW SO I CAN TRY TO FIX OR REMOVE IT!Rated M because it deals with self harm and similar topics.TW for insomnia, self harm, suicidal ideology, anxiety/panic disorders and attacks, along with some other things.
Relationships: Chris Noel/Knox Overstreet, Knox Overstreet/Charlie Dalton (past), Richard Cameron/Charlie Dalton, Steven Meeks/Charlie Dalton (past), Steven Meeks/Gerard Pitts, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Kudos: 7





	1. Arrival and Night 1

(Third Person Perspective)

"Hey Pitts! Good to see you made it another year." Dalton jumped a little to smack the back of the towering boys head.

"I'm surprised they let you back." Knox shoved Dalton's shoulder.

He grinned, "Oh come on Knoxious. You missed me." Charlie made kissing noises til Knox shoved him again.

"Hey guys. Who'd y'all get paired with?" Pitts replied, setting down his trunk and shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Cameron... unfortunately." Dalton stuck out his tongue in faux disgust.

"Oof... sorry man. I got a single room this year. You Pitts?"

He shrugged, "Not sure. Forgot to get the paper for it."

"Absent-minded much?" Dalton smirked.

Once again, he just shrugged, "Well, I've gotta put my stuff in my room. See you guys later."

He did know who his roommate was... he just didn't know how to feel this year. He'd never been much of one for emotions... especially positive ones. Feelings were a minefield and he was blindly stumbling through them hoping not to be blown to smithereens. He just needed to numb it out. That's all. It didn't matter what the feelings were. They weren't important. They were unpredictable... dangerous. Numb was safe.

Pitts tossed his trunk down on the bed and popped open the latches. He'd beaten Meeks and used the time to start putting up his stuff.

**Perspective Change// Pitts Perspective**

"Pitts!" I heard someone yell as I finished placing some dried lavender on the windowsill and was then slammed into by someone, Meeks. He released me, flopping onto his bed, "I can't believe we're roommates again! Isn't it awesome?"

I smiled at him. Damn these feelings. Why did he have to be sitting there with his cute curly strawberry blonde hair that twisted like ivy up the side of a building... and those eyes... deep hazel like melted caramel that swirled behind his circled glasses. Oh shit... I'd been staring for too long and hadn't answered him.

"Pitts?" He asked hesitantly.

"Hmm... Oh. Yeah, it-it's great." No feelings... no feelings... just repress those right down.

He gave me a funny look that might have been concern... or indigestion. Probably the second one. "You okay Pittsy? You seem off..."

Lie. Lie quick. "J-just tired from the drive up. I think I'm gonna try and take a nap." Yep, that would work for now. "If you see Neil tell him I want to be part of the study group again. I can't fail another class... "

Meeks nodded with his face still scrunched as he headed off to find the others. I laid down... the lie I'd told Meeks would hold for now. He didn't know about my new issue... It had been nearly two months since I had gotten more than an hour of sleep. I tried closing my eyes, but the fear of missing things and paranoia of being attacked rendered sleep impossible. I pulled out a textbook and tried to study, but every word bounced off my brain like it was rubber.

(TW FOR SELF HARM MENTIONS FOR THE NEXT BIT I'll let you know when it ends if you wanna skip it)

**Night One**  
**Perspective//Meeks Perspective**

I changed my shirt as quickly as I could. I knew Pitts was too busy studying to care, but I didn't want to run the risk of him seeing the pock mark scars that had become a part of me. I mean... it wasn't a serious issue. I didn't cut or anything... just poked myself with a needle sometimes. That wasn't a problem, right? Normal people deal with feeling overwhelmed that way too, right?

(TW OVER)

Either way, there was nothing wrong with me. I repeated that over and over in my head as I changed my pants. "Hey. Pitts. Imma hit the hay. You mind if I turn out the light?"

"Huh?" It was like I'd broken him out of some kind of trance, "Oh. Yeah. Go ahead. The desk lamp will be fine for me... if that won't bother you?"

"No. It won't. Um. You've started studying earlier than usual."

He shifted uncomfortably, "I- I just really can't fail this year."

I could just see that his page titled notes was covered in nonsensical doodles. "Don't stay up to late Pittsy... okay?"

"Yah-yah. Night Meeks."

I heard the desk lamp click off around 30 minutes later and twenty minutes later I heard Pitts get into bed.

\------  
It must have been 5 the next time I woke up. I was about to roll over and drift off again when I heard the floor creak. I hurriedly reached for my glasses and slammed upright. There was Pitts. He was kneeling in the middle of the floor... hunching his broad shoulders of what looked like the drawing of a leaf. Several other papers with similar drawings scattered all around the floor. "P-Pittsy... what are you doing?" I checked my watch, "It's 5. Go to bed."

He jumped a little bit when he heard me, "I-I'm sorry Meeks. I-I didn't mean to wake you. I just couldn't fall asleep... you know... first day back jitters. I thought- well... I thought drawing might help or-or something. S-sorry for bothering you again." He began awkwardly gathering the pages and shoved them under his bed before sitting cross legged on top of the drab colored cushion that served as a sleeping place continuing to mutter apologies.

"It-it's fine Pittsy. Just try and get some sleep. You don't want to be tired for your first day."

He just nodded, picking at his nails. "Sleep well Meeks."

"You too Pitts."


	2. Morning 1 and Group Chat 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pitts struggles in classes, Meeks is concerned, and a group chat is created.

Pitts scrambled to get notes down as the chemistry teacher raced through the lesson. He was already so far behind and it was only day 1. He was lucky he had Neils study group. A group chat had been started for it and he'd been steadily ignoring it all morning.

He hadn't gotten any sleep last night and could feel his face flush anytime he thought of how Meeks had caught him drawing that morning. It was a new way of coping with his insomnia and, at the very least, he found it quite relaxing. It wasn't like he was good at it... it just helped him somehow.

"Mr. Pitts?"

He jumped realizing the teacher had asked him a question. "Sorry sir... what did you ask?"

"Daydreaming were we?" Pitts nodded slowly, "Please remember school is a place for learning, not fantasizing about whatever the pea inside your head is actually capable of creating."

"S-sorry sir. It won't happen again."

\----------------------------------------------------------------  
STUDY GROUP GROUP CHAT:

Neil- Hey. Study group.  
Can everyone introduce themselves?

(xxx)xxx-xxx2- Richard Cameron.

(xxx)xxx-xxx6- Ew.  
Jk. Love you Cam.  
This is Dalton btw.

Cameron- F you too Dalton.

Dalton- Bitter much?

Cameron- Always.

Dalton- Yikes man.

(xxx)xxx-xxx8- Guys. Stop blowing up the chat. I'm in class. ~Meeks

Dalton- <3 u meeks.  
Anyone know if the new kids in here?

Meeks (to <3 u meeks)- Luv u too.

Cameron (to Anyone know if the new kids in here): Hope not.  
Seemed like a real stiff.

(xxx)xxx-xxx1- ...  
hey.  
name's Todd.

Dalton- Cam. You best apologize right now.

Todd- It's fine.

Meeks- Oh my gosh! Cam. Ur so rude.  
Sorry Todd. He's just a bitch sometimes.

Cameron- Sorry ig.

(xxx)xxx-xxx0- Hey.  
Know.  
*Knox (damn autocorrect)

Dalton- Ay! Knoxious!

Knox- ...nice to see u 2 bitch.

Meeks- So we're just missing Pitts?

Neil- He's on here. Just hasn't replied.  
So sorry Todd. Cam can be a real jerk sometimes.

Dalton- Try all the time.  
Luv u tho cam.

Todd- it's fine.

Neil- U sure?

Todd- yeah.

(xxx)xxx-xxx9- 37 notifications... y'all

Dalton- Ay! Pitts in the house!

Pitts- Pitts failing chem more like.

Dalton- We stan a king who can't science.

Pitts- Shove off Dalton.

Meeks- You okay P?

Pitts- Yeah.  
Just tired.  
Sorry.

Dalton- It's chill.

Meeks- I told you to get sleep.

Cameron- Aw. Meekling cares about Armpits sleep pattern lol.

Pitts- Har har

Dalton- Literally stfu Cam.

Meeks- F u cam.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Meeks entered the dorm room to find Pitts laying face down on his bed, his phone next to him with the study group chat pulled up. "You doing okay?"

"...no..."

"Oh... anyway I could help?"

"...no..." There was an awkward pause followed by Pitts forcing himself to flop over and sit up. He wiped vigorously at his face. "Sorry. That was rude." He wiped his eyes a couple more times. "I don't mean to be such a burden on you." He scratched at a finger nail.

Meeks stood there, lost in confusion which Pitts misinterpreted as agreement. He gathered a pile of clothes and rushed to the showers before the small boy could gather his thoughts.

\----

Damn it. Why couldn't he get one thing right? He was just annoying Meeks. He knew it. He was just weighing the tiny ginger down. He turned the water as hot as it could go, savoring the sting on his skin. He didn't know why Meeks stuck around him. He wasn't worth it. Salty tears mingled with the showers spray that rolled down his face.

\-----------  
Oh no... Meeks shook himself out of his trance too late. Pitts thought he was a burden to Meeks? He couldn't be more wrong. Pitts was his motivation... his trusty partner crime.... They were even planning on building a radio this year. He needed to talk to someone... but who? Pitts was his go to and that clearly wasn't option. Neil was an option... but he had enough going on in his own world without Meeks's problems. CHARLIE! Charlie could help him. He slipped out of his dorm and slinked down the hall to Cameron and Dalton's room.


	3. Charlies Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeks is sad, Pitts can't sleep, and Charlie is trying to keep both of them sane.

"Charlie! Charlie!" Meeks hissed gently opening the door. "Are you guys awake?"

"Yes. Unfortunately." A very annoyed Cameron replied before a much more excited Dalton called out:  
"Meeks? What's up man?"

"I-I've made a terrible mistake." He glanced nervously at Cameron, "Can I talk with Dalton alone for a moment?"

Cam scowled, "Take it to your dorm or the roof or something. I'm not gonna get in trouble because 'poor Meeksy weaksy' is having 'pwoblems'."

Charlie rolled his eyes and grabbed Meeks hand, "Come on. He's just being the bitch that he always is. I know where we can talk with less buzzkills." Meeks tailed along behind Charlie with his shoulders pulled up around his ears. This was bad. Meeks may not be confident... but he never "tailed" behind in this weird mopey state. Dalton chewed the inside of his cheek. Whatever happened must have been at the very least traumatic for the tiny gentle ginger boy behind him. They came to a moon stained spot by the lake just hidden by a few stagnant fir trees. "Okay Meeks. What the hell is going on?"

Meeks played with his shirt, twisting the gray fabric everyway possible avoiding Daltons searching gaze, "I- I... Pitts seems off... I mean like-like in a bad way." He choked back some tears, "And I screwed up Charlie. I-I hurt him. I didn't mean to, but I did. I think- I don't know if I can repair it."

"What did you do?" Dalton asked; unable to keep his intrigue and confusion from dripping out his voice

Meeks head feel to his hands and his knees crawled up to his ears, "That's the problem. I didn't do anything. I-" There was a pause as Meeks sniffled, "I screwed everything up Charlie. He probably hates me now. I've lost him forever."

Charlie placed a hand on the read heads back, "Hey. It-it's okay. If I know Pitts he'll bounce back. I mean, you two have been friends even before Welton. That's pretty hard to destroy." He pulled Meeks into a cradling hug like a mother comforting a young child during a thunderstorms. He could feel just how fragile the small nerd was as he quaked, sobbing against the taller boy. Charlie stroked Meeks soft hair, "It's gonna be okay. I promise Meeks."

\-----------Pitts Perspective----

When I got back from the shower Meeks was gone. Figures... I'd scared him off. I was so... worthless. I slammed my hands down on the desk emphasizing the last word: worthless. I'd known that for a while, but Meeks seemed to just be realizing that. It was the end of the summer and the room was uncomfortably hot. I slipped out of the grey sweater that had been serving as a pajama shirt before laying on top of my blanket in the moon spotted darkness. Everything hurt... I was so... so drained. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained. I felt sleep begin to pull at the corners of my mind and prepared to fall into its soft embrace. 

'You know you'll never see your gravestone.' My brain chirped up. 'Meeks probably won't either. He hates you too much to want to be at your funeral. Who would come to your funeral?' There was a pause in the stream of thoughts, 'Probably no one.' It answered itself. After about five more minutes of this. All hints of sleep scattered like a frightened deer. Damn it. I'd been so close. I rolled over trying to fall back asleep but much like a wet bar of soap the easier it slipped away the harder I grasped at it. Unable to wait it out any longer I stood up and dragged out some blank sheaf's of paper. I turned on the desk light and set a small mirror against the wall. I stared at the ghoulish face watching me in the glass. Sunken eyes that spoke only of hurt, hollowed cheeks as if some deranged sculptor couldn't decide when to stop cutting away material, and the crest fallen shoulders. The figure sat on observed me like a stranger on the street and I watched him warily back.

I placed my pencil on the page and began sketching out the harsh features. I penciled in details... solidified them... adding more and more until everything was there. I set the pencil down and looked at the haunted face I had drawn and scribbled out a title to the side, too exhausted to do anything else. Sleep finally reached out to me. She wouldn't be my companion for very long I new, but I was grateful for her brief company as I rested my head against the desk.

\----------Meeks Perspective------------

I don't know when I dozed off but I woke up to Charlie shaking me, "Come one. We have to get back to the dorms."

"Shit. How long was I out?" I ran a hand across my eyes.

"Not too long, but Cam's probably worried we died or something and about to go tell Nolan. He may be a bastard but he's a well meaning bastard."

"Did you just actually compliment Cameron?"

"Shut up. Let's go." He grabbed my hand and yanked me off. He stopped at his room first. Cameron was pacing up and down the room. "You guys didn't die! I was about to go tell Nolan. Though you must've been hurt or something." In anyone else's voice or tone it would have been touching, but with Cameron it just sounded stuffy.

"We're fine Cam." Dalton brushed past him to flop on his bed. "Night Meeks."

"Yeah-yeah. Night." Cameron shut the door.

I stood there for a second as dread begin to flow through me again. I mean... he was probably asleep so it should be fine... right? I walked as slow as I could afford to the door. That simple wooden door I had seen so many times... I knew the scratches in the door from the girl who'd stalked Pitts for years, the scuff marks in the middle from when Charlie had tried to kick it down last year... So familiar and yet it now appeared as terrifying as the Gates of Hell. I threw open the door as quickly as I could without making it slam against the wall. The desk lamp was on and Pitts face was smashed against the wood. There was a drawing partially hidden under the giant boys face. I could just make out the spiky hair and a title written in the top corner: Shell.

Maybe I should wake him up...? No... I'd hurt him enough as it was. I clicked off the desk lamp and grabbed his blanket and wrapped it like a kings robe around his bare shoulders. "Night Pitts." It was more the breath of an idea than actual words.


	4. Chapter 4

It was rare in Hell-ton for the whole friend group to get placed in a class. The boys had been trying for years, but most likely due to how much Nolan hated Charlie had failed every time. Apparently Nolan had slipped up this year. The whole gang was there, but the teacher wasn't. The class begin to shift uncomfortably and someone launched a wad of paper at Specks. Charlie had just raised his hand to smack the back of Knox's head when they heard whistling. The teacher emerged from his office and sauntered casually between the desks and out the door. The boys watched practically frozen by confusion. The teachers head popped back in, "Well... come on." He chirped before disappearing around the corner again. Neil was one of the first people up, driven by an unstoppable force of intrigue. Charlie was the opposite of the excitable boy who had rushed out immediately and hung at the back of the group. He peeled himself out of his seat and straggled at the back of the group as if to say 'heaven forbid I actually engage in learning'.

The teacher began to address the class and Charlie promptly zoned out until, "My name is Mr. Keating. Now, you can call me that or the slightly more daring: O' Captain my Captain." Charlie blinked in confusion, what the hell had he missed? He regarded the teacher in front of him: he was on the shorter side, his hair was a untamed mop of straw, and his eyes seemed like those of a young child who had never accepted that Santa wasn't coming again after he'd moved out. "Will someone read the passage on page 26? Pitts?" Keaton read off the role, "Rather unfortunate name. Pitts, would you read that?"

Pitts shifted uncomfortably and Charlie stifled a laugh. Pitts read a poem, something about roses and dying. "The meaning of this poem can be summed up in the Latin sentiment, Carpe Diem. Does anyone know what this means?"

Meeks hands shot up like a bullet, "Carpe Diem, that's seize the day sir."

"Thank you Mister..." He checked the role again, "Meeks. Another unusual name." 

Meeks nodded, it was something he took particular pride in, his unique name. Charlie found it rather annoying. When they were younger he would constantly crow about "the MEEK inheriting the Earth" and such. He turned his attention back to the teacher, now at least dully involved.

"You see these pictures everyday, but I doubt you've ever taken the time to truly look at them. Come on. Take a close look." The boys hesitantly crowded around the pictures of men posed in their sport team and outfits. "Their not to different than you: same haircuts, same schooling. The difference between you and them is that they are all turning up daisies now." He took a breath, "That is the grand uniter: no matter how invincible you feel we will all someday be fodder for worms." Charlie squirmed uncomfortably as his eyes met what could have been his doppelganger. "Can you hear them whispering to you? Carpe... Carpe... Diem... seize the day boys, seize the day."

\----Group Chat 2----

Pitts- That was weird.

Cameron- Yeah.  
Think he'll test us on any of that?

Dalton- Lol  
Cam...  
Don't you get anything?

Cameron- What didn't I get?

Meeks- Study group tonight, right?

Neil- Yeah  
Todd, you coming?

Todd- no  
i have some history to work on

Neil- Okay, but you're always welcome.

Dalton- Get a room.

Neil- lol  
He's my roommate  
and no.

Dalton- lol  
I'm always joking  
Luv u all.

Neil- Who all is coming tho?

Pitts- Me

Meeks- Me too.  
Should I bring the radio Pitts?

Pitts- Yeah.

Cameron- I'll be there.

Dalton- Wouldn't miss it.  
How about you Knox?

Knox- Can't.  
Having dinner with the Danberrys.

Dalton- Yuck.  
Who's that?

Knox- Dad's friends.  
Probably all in their 90's or some shit.

Dalton- RIP Knoxious.

\---------------Study Group that Night-----

Meeks could still feel tension in the air as he and Pitts worked on the radio. He waved the radar lazily through the air as Pitts searched over the board to see if they'd missed anything. He could hear Neil and Cameron trying to explain Trigonometry to Charlie and a couple other boys playing darts. "We have to be missing something." Pitts muttered.

He nodded and continued to raise the radar as high as he arms would allow... admittedly that wasn't much. "Duh." He heard Pitts say and saw the tall boys finger point accusatively towards him before plugging in a black cord to the board. The door creaked open and Knox leaned against the door. "How was dinner?" Charlie called out.

"Hmm...?" It was like pulling him out of a trance, "Oh, dinner. Awful."

"That bad?"

He nods, "I met the most beautiful girl tonight."

"Well what's awful about that?" Charlie pried.

"She's dating a real football jerk type, Chet."

Pitts piped up, "All the good ones go for jerks." Meeks nodded.

Charlie interrupted in true Dalton fashion, "Ya see her naked?" He wiggled his eyebrows.

"Har har."

The door swung open and Pitts moved the radio to his lap in a vague attempt to hide it as the hall monitor entered, "Alright boys, five minutes til lights out." The old mans eye searched the group, "That wouldn't happen to be a radio in your lap would it Mr. Pitts?"

"N-no sir." He replied with a weak smile, "It's a project for science."

"Radar sir." Meeks piped in with a confident nod.

The old man rolled his eyes and left. The boys filed out only minutes later.

\----Pitts Perspective----

I hid the radio under the bed alongside my drawings from the previous night. I heard Meeks moving around behind me. I was trying to forget the last night, pretend everything was normal. "Can't wait to get this thing fully up."

Meeks response was delayed a second, "Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. I think we can get it hooked up to the schools antenna and get some tunes instead of just talk shows." He added a soft laugh to the end and I joined in with one of my own.

"Night Pittsie." Meeks shook my head with a hand as he crawled into bed.

"Night Meeks."

\---Charlies Perspective---

I flipped through the pages of my trig book while Cameron scribbled at the desk. Not a single word was absorbed as I saw numbers try and lodge themselves in my brain. That was why I'd been getting Meeks to do it for me. "I don't know why you even bother reading those if your not the one doing the work." Cameron scowled at me.

I stuck my tongue out, "It's the principle of proving I'm too dumb to figure it out because I'm trying at least."

Cameron rolled his eyes and muttered, "It's like living with a toddler." He closed the book and shut off the desk light.

"Hey. I'm still reading."

"No, you aren't." I heard him crawl into bed and roll over.

"I could be Cam-ron." I emphasized his name and searched for something to chuck at him. Bingo, wadded up gum wrapper. I lobbed it at him and heard a satisfying thunk and distressed noise from Cameron. With that I let myself fade into sleep

\----Neil and Todd's room third person perspective---

Todd scribbled in his notebook, Carpe Diem. Yeah right. He wasn't the brave warrior who drained the most he could out of each day. He let life flow by like a coward. He crumbled the notebook page and tossed it in the bin just before Neil creeped in from his study group. "Hey Todd. Man, you really should have been there." Neil chuckles, flopping onto the desk seat. Maybe he should have been... he'd missed out on another part of life.

"Maybe next time."

"For sure! I'll tell you all about it in the morning." Todd pulled the blanket around his shoulders, hiding the notebook, and turned towards the wall as Neil flipped off the light and crawled into his own bed. "Good night Todd!"

"...night..."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted a really cute chapter so this ones real light and just supposed to be really wholesome and maybe a twist.

\---Pitts perspective---

I got in about thirty minutes last night and woke up about an hour before I needed to and turned on to my side, facing Meeks. His face was squashed up against the pillow and I could see he'd forgotten to take off his glasses. I debated reaching over and taking them off for him, but he was just so fragile and serene so I left it alone. His hair was squashed up in complicated curls that he would spend twenty minutes untangling before doing his skin care routine. Out of everyone in the friend group he was the only one who truly took time to maintain his hygiene to the highest level he could. One hand fell off the edge of the bed and hovered a couple inches above the floor. His hand was made delicately, like those of a pianist... a fine sculpture made in intricate detail. Almost completely unmarred except for a small burn mark at his wrist. Even that somehow seemed delicate and beautiful. I turned back to his face. His eyes flittered lightly like butterflies settling on flowers in spring. Spring was the embodiment of Meeks. The colors, smells, animals... it all reminded me of him. A whole season where he was all I could think of. I turned back to the gray ceiling knowing my face was flushed with thoughts of holding his hand in a field of daffodils and daisies in full bloom. 

\----Third Person----

Meeks woke up to an empty room. Pitts must have already left for the showers and the room was unnaturally quiet. The quiet that lasts for a minute before the sun rises and church bells shatter the morning with their caterwauling. It was rare when he wasn't ready for a morning or able to jump out of bed, but today was one of those unique occurrences. One long stretch and he just barely reached the bottom of the bed with my feet before recoiling back up and staying still, basking in the few pieces of sun that stabbed through the window and breathing in deeply the soft scent of the dried lavender that Pittsy had left there. He didn't want to get up. There was no need to for a while... classes didn't start until seven, it was only six. He had an hour. Maybe... maybe he wouldn't go to class... he knew the material already, and most of his teachers would just assume he was sick. Maybe he was... this was nothing like him normally. Maybe he just needed a break? Yeah. That felt right. He'd been running for so long and maybe he just needed a day off. He was going to take it. It was a final decision and nothing could change that. He wasn't going to do anything today. He let his eyes close again.

\---Meeks Perspective---

I woke up to Pitts shaking me, "Wake up Meeks. You're gonna be late."

"Leave me be." I grumbled and rolled over. It felt like I was made of lead. "Imma skip today." I droned out before letting my head bury itself back in the pillow.

Pitts took a couple steps back, "Are-are you sure? You've never skipped before." I nodded vaguely. He took a deep breath, "Okay. I'll skip with you."

I sat up, "What? No. I can afford to miss a day, you need to pass. I'll be fine on my own."

"A-are you sure?" His voice shook a little bit as he asked.

"Yeah. I just need a day off. I'll see you tonight at the study group."

"O-okay." I heard the door close after him with a click and I pulled the blanket even more firmly around my shoulders and let myself fall back asleep.

\---8 years ago----

Meeks glued the final piece of the rocket with a proud smile that threatened to shatter his fragile looking face and he hurried back to the house and cradled it in his hands. "Mom, dad! Look what I made!" He stood excitedly in the kitchen and trembling from excitement.

His mother showed up first with a scowl on her face. Her hair looked like a child's scribbled drawing and the bags under her eyes may as well have been black. Meeks face fell. "Shut up." The exhausted women said before starting to prep her coffee, "I just got your brother down to sleep. Damn it, why can't you be more aware of those around you?"

Meeks chewed his lip and shuffled uncomfortably, "I made a-a-"

"I don't care Steven." Something about the way she spat out the name made him shrink.

"D-d-do you know where dad is so I-I can show him?" It was a whispered piece of smoke.

She glared at him, "You think he cares anymore than I do. Go play outside."

He didn't need more urging and ran from the house as tears streamed down his face and disappeared into the woods. Tears merged together as he opened his mouth to release a screaming cry that summed up his young emotions before collapsing onto the soft, rain soaked earth as he sobbed. He looked at the small plastic rocket in his hands with a new light. Why had he been proud of it? It was just cheap garbage... like him. He tossed the rocket against a nearby tree and heard a crack as it slammed against the harsh bark. He rubbed his eyes as the tears kept falling down, down, down. He curled up like a small cat and hugged himself tightly. Maybe he could disappear. Just poof away if he made himself small enough. A few minutes passed when suddenly he heard, "Hey, are you okay?" A chocolate haired boy with a face that managed to look both concerned and cocky due to what may have been a permanent twist to his lips.

Meeks blushed and wiped at his cheeks. How could he let someone catch him crying? Dad said emotions were for gays and weaklings and his son wasn't gonna be either of those things. "I-I'm fine. S-sorry."

"It's fine. Names Charlie, Charlie Daltons." He offers a hand to the small red head.

"I'm St-" He remembered his mother spitting it like poison and stopped himself, "Meeks. My name's Meeks."


	6. Chapter 6

Charlie stared at the empty seat where Meeks was usually situated in Trigonometry. Was he sick? Had someone hurt him? His knee bounced violently as he fantasized the worst-case scenarios about his small friend. He could text him, but if he was sick, he didn’t want to bother the boy. Pitts! Bingo. He could message Pitts.

Charlie- Hey Pitts.  
Meeks good?

Pittsy- Idk  
He said he was skipping

Charlie- ??

Pittsy- Yeh

“Mr. Daltons! Is that a phone I see?” The teacher bellowed.

“I- um..” The sudden shout startled the chocolate haired boy enough that he dropped the phone.

The teacher snapped up the phone and read the open messages with a scowl, “Skip my class will he?”

“Can I have my phone back sir?”

“At the end of the hour Mr. Daltons.”

If Charlie hadn’t been able to focus before, he was now completely devoid of that ability. He knew the teacher would report Meeks skipping. He pitied the punishment the fragile red head would receive.

\---Pitts Perspective---

I returned to the room holding not only my own homework, but some of Meeks as well. I’d been telling teachers he wasn’t feeling well and that I would fill him in. When I opened the door I was greeted with a tearful Meeks looking up at me with large doe eyes. “You ratted me out?’ It was a hopeless breath… like a whisper in a hurricane.

“What?”

“Nolan found out. Don’t play dumb.” He wiped at his cheeks and the sadness turned to anger, “You were the only one who knew. You told him.” The small ginger puffed up like a peacock, “Y-you finked!”

“I-I didn’t Meeks. I haven’t see Nolan all day!”

“Yeah right.” Meeks shoved past me and practically ran away.

“Meeks! Meeks! Wait!” I chased after him part of the way down the hall before stopping, “Meeks…” I could feel tears gathering in my eyes. How had Nolan found out? I hadn’t told him, and Charlie wouldn’t have. Not willingly at least. I slinked back to the dorm dodging curious and judgmental looks alike. I sat on the bounce-less bed. I was too confused and hurt to realize I was on Meeks bed.

\----11 years ago---

Pitts didn’t bother calling to his parents as he left to go play. They didn’t really care what they’re “deadbeat” son got up too. His parents had never called him a deadbeat, but some of the older kids had taken a liking to the insult. Deadbeat Pitts… just because he couldn’t read as well, or-or write as cleanly… and-and struggled with math… So what? He tried really hard… but it just never seemed to be enough. Some of the rougher teachers had taken the nickname up as well. They were all right. What was he going to accomplish? He was always behind everyone else. Why’d he even bother to keep trying?

He found a small pebble to kick as he looked for someone to hang out with. It was then that he would meet him. There was the sound of running feet and someone slammed into him, knocking them both down and across the concrete. “I-I’m so sorry!” A small freckled face popped up next to him, “Are you okay? I- I wasn’t looking where I was going and- oh- I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it.” Pitts pushed himself off the ground and offered a hand to the considerably smaller boy. “My names Gerard, but everyone calls me Pitts.”

“I-I’m Steven, Steven Meeks. Nice to meet you Pitts.” In a bout of childlike speed, the disastrous fall was all but forgotten as the two got talking.

Within a few sentences Pitts learned Meeks was new to town and his mom had just been rushed to the hospital. He was gonna be an older brother soon!! Pitts took Meeks to his favorite spot: an old park that had long been abandoned and deemed a health hazard near the edge of town. Swing sets were sinking into the ground and the slides were so rusted no one knew the original color. There was a small corner where Pitts had set up a small blanket as a tent and spent most of his time. A few disassembled watches were littered on the ground along with several miscellaneous tools. “Oh! Do you fix things too?” Steven’s eyes lit up as he picked up pieces of one of Pitts latest projects.

“Y-yeah! I thought I was the only one! I found the watch in the stream and-and thought I might be able to fix it!” He grinned broadly, “Maybe you could help me?”

“I’d love to!”

From that point on the two were commonly seen scampering around for parts, scraps of metal, or forgotten machinery that people had long since abandoned. As the two grew older they added more complex projects and there most recent endeavor: The radio.

\---Present day—Meeks Perspective-----  
I wiped at my cheeks as I ran up the steps and came out on the roof. It had started raining a little earlier in the day and the roof was soaked with small puddles dotting the gray surface. I looked over the edge to the sickening world below. I couldn’t believe Pitts would-would tell Nolan. I pulled a small needle from my pocket.  
*Tw for self harm*  
I rolled up my sleeve and slid the tiny needle in and out of my skin leaving small blossoms of red in its wake.  
*Tw over*  
How could I have been so dumb to think he would actually care about me. That he would care enough to let me be alone… he didn’t. He’d made that clear. My parents had been right: no one cared. Not about me. I heard the door of the roof creak open. Figures Pitts would try and follow me, “Go away Pitts.” I pulled my sleeve down.

“Not Pitts.” I was surprised to hear Cameron’s voice. “I-um- I’m not good at these types of things, but are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“I- well… I- Charlies been beating himself up all afternoon. He just wanted- wanted to know you were okay.”

Charlie? “Why was he- what happened?”

“Well… he’s the reason Nolan found out.” Cameron was crouched in front of me and picked at his hands, occasionally pulling his sleeves down.

“He- he’s the reason?” Cameron nodded. I groaned, “I- Damn it. I keep screwing things up don’t I?”

Cameron turned his head to the side, “What do you mean?”

“I thought Pitts told Nolan… I yelled at him.” I felt tears burn my cheeks again, “I fucked up again Cameron.” I dug my palms into my face.

I was surprised to feel Cameron wrap me in a hug. He didn’t say anything else, just held me until I stopped crying. He stood and left as if nothing had happened.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW's for:  
> S*lf H*rm  
> Implied *buse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING: I've decided to stop leaving specific trigger warnings. I feel it interrupts the flow and is rather tiring to remember to do. Proceed with caution because it does deal with triggering events. I will now be putting general warnings for the chapters in the chapter summaries.

\---Cameron's Perspective--

I'd known I was different for years... I'd heard the others (except for maybe Meeks) gripe about their crushes and (in Charlies case) sexual endeavors (which I'd learned to tune out)... but I'd never had it myself... not until the other day. I mean, I hadn't meant to fall for him, and, hell, I wasn't even sure that was what I was feeling. I mean... I was 17 and never felt it before now... I think. He was just so annoying and- and somehow cute. How could he be cute, yet the most annoying person I'd ever known. The worst part was I had to spend every day with him for the rest of the school year. Even now I could hear him breathing in the bed across the room. I hadn't noticed any of this before... his soft silky hair the consistency of sugared coffee, eyes like onyx that shined beautifully when he joked and teased, his skin was- well... I stopped my brain there. I didn't know how to explain what had happened, it just had. Nothing had changed that I was aware of... I'd been his roommate for the past two years so maybe- maybe it was just a time thing? I'd known him for so long now... I'd always thought I was ace aro... but maybe... maybe not. Maybe I was something else like- like demi or-or grey. I didn't know what to do... he certainly didn't like me back... but I couldn't just stop noticing these things... right? Could I? It would be nice to just stop... maybe I could just block it out.

Suddenly there was a soft whimper from Charlie. Fuck. Even his distress noises were adorable. He must be having a nightmare. I tried to tone it out, but-but I couldn't handle it. I stood up and walked over by him. He was tossing and turning like a demon was prodding him with a pitchfork. I hesitated a minute before sitting on the bed beside him and pulled him into my arms, careful not to wake him up. He curled into my chest and I hugged his head until he finally stopped crying. I got up and gently placed his head back down on the pillow before starting to walk back to my bed. "Cam...?" I heard Charlie mutter, "What- why are you up?"

I was grateful for the darkness as my face flushed the same color as my hair, "I- uh... the window was open... so I closed it." He mumbled a reply and within seconds his breathing returned to normal. I was lucky he wasn't awake enough to process what had happened and, hopefully, wasn't aware of prior... events... I could probably pass it off as a dream... but I'd rather not have to acknowledge it to him ever.

I crawled into bed tugging at my sleeves. I fell asleep to the memory of his head on my chest.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

My dream was a sweet one... laced with vague memories of red silk, soft laughs... Charlie. As I struggled back to consciousness the events of the night hit me like a punch to the stomach. I jolted upright and wiped a string of drool of my cheek. Had I really done that? What kind of creep was I? I looked over at Charlie who was still asleep... thank goodness... I moved as quietly as I could and gathered my clothes before running to the showers. I closed the door of one of the shower rooms and slipped out of my shirt. I kept the shower to a cold temperature to leave warm water for the person after me. I ran my fingers across the scars and bruises that lacerated my arms. The scars were my fault. I wasn't proud of them... but they were there... and....and yet... I kept putting them there. The bruises on the other hand weren't mine. My... well, it didn't matter who'd done it to me... I wasn't enough yet. I had to be perfect.

\----Charlies Perspective---  
I woke with the distinct sense that something had shifted. The first being I was in a major state of distress. It wasn’t too new. I’d experienced it for years and was just barely starting to unravel it. Everything about my being felt wrong… I didn’t know how much longer I could go on telling myself these feelings were normal. I’d have to accept it at some point, but not now. “I’m Charlie Daltons. Bisexual. Male.” I muttered to myself as I gathered my stuff for the showers. The door creaked open and Cameron slipped in.

He was carrying his pajamas protectively wrapped around his arms and, surprisingly, was shirtless. “I- um…. Forgot my shirt.” He mumbled and hugged the clothes tighter.

“I can see that.” I retorted with a snort. Then I noticed something… near the top of his hip was an obsidian black bruise, “What happened to your hip?” It came out snarkily, but the question was genuine.

“Oh… I…” He seemed flustered and started looking around the room, avoiding eye contact. As he turned, he revealed more lighter bruises across his back and shoulders. “Banged it on a table.”

“That’s awfully dark for hitting it on a table.” He just shrugged and continued his search for a shirt. “Well… if you… if any… I’m always here.” I managed to stumble out without an added layer of sarcasm.

He didn’t respond and I’d decided he wasn’t going to when I heard, “I want to- to tell… but I don’t know how or what.”

“That’s okay dork. I’m here when you figure it out.”

He nodded and didn’t say anything else. I slipped off to the showers.

\----Neil’s Perspective----

It didn’t take a Sherlock Holmes to sense the tension at the table. Meeks and Pitts were trying to pretend each other didn’t exist, Charlie was a shell of himself and his face was twisted in a state of worry, Cameron’s state was similar to Charlies, Knox was lost in hopeless thoughts of Chris, and Todd was playing with the food on his plate. It was lucky I had a distraction for the group. “I found Keaton in an old alumni book.”  
I showed them the picture and Charlie read some of the clubs he’d been involved in, “Dead Poets Society… what on Earth is that?”

I shrugged, “Maybe we can ask him later during the free hour.”

One of the teachers shouted something and I tucked the book away quickly.

\------  
When the free hour hit our group headed out to find Mr. Keaton. He was strolling in the brisk fall air without a care in the world. “Mr. Keaton!” I called a couple times and finally stated, “O’ Captain my Captain.”

At which point he turned with a grin and greeted us with, “Boys. How may I be of service?”

“We found your old alumni book.” I offered him the book and he crouched down, reading through the names with a soft chuckle, “We were wondering… what’s the Dead Poets Society?”

He sighed, growing wistful, “The Dead Poets were a group dedicated to sucking all the marrow out of life. We would gather in the old cave up the river and take turns reading poetry. Being wild… truly living.” He handed back the book with a smile before taking his leave again.

My mind was racing. Sure, it could be dangerous, but freedom beneath the moonlight… true freedom, “Who’s in?”

It took a minute for the group to process what I meant before Charlie blurted out, “I’m in.” With a mischievous grin.

“I- I don’t know.” Pitts grunted, heading back to the school.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Charlie pestered, following the giant.

Meeks piped up, “His grades are hurting Charlie.”

“So you can help him Meeks.”

I chimed in again, “Look, we’ll discuss it later and hopefully get a meeting tonight, alright?”

Cameron nodded, “We’ll have to be careful… if we get caught…” the statement trailed off.

“Well no shit Sherlock.”

\---- Todd’s Perspective---

Neil had practically dragged me to the meeting with promises that I wouldn’t have to read. As I woke up I had vague memories of poems, shouts and howls at the moon… like a scene from Shakespeare. If I didn’t know any better I could’ve sworn there were fairies and imps dancing around the cave that night. “Neil…” I whispered. He grunted an acknowledgement, “Was that real?”

“Yeah… I think it was.”


End file.
